My mental health & what helps — Weeknotes 18–16 May

As part of mental health awareness week, I thought I’d share some of my own mental health journey and it’s most recent paths. I want to share what repetitive ‘low mood’ can feel like, and what helps — both in and out of the workplace.

My mental health has always been quite up and down — I’ll have weeks of feeling fine, then weeks of feeling pretty low. I had depression about 10 years ago, but it only lasted a year. So in some respects I’ve been lucky. I’ve not had it so bad. Sometimes I feel a fraud, because I don’t have depression, but the ongoing slumps into ‘nearly, not-quite depression’ can affect my relationships, confidence and ability to enjoy and find meaning in life.

I’ve learnt over the years what kinds of things trigger a slump in mood — some are within my control, and some aren’t.

Somehow I’ve made it through the last year of pandemic without getting depression, though at the moment I feel I’m close to the brink.

This current season

In this current season I’m in, various things have been put on hold — writing weeknotes (till now!), reflection times and reading about leadership, engaging in friendship whatsapp chats, ringing my parents regularly, running and cycling, certain ‘extras’ at work that aren’t the core part of my job, cleaning the house and planning meals.

My energy levels are low. My motivation levels are low. My creativity levels are low.

I can certainly relate to the recent articles from the Guardian talking about brain fog and the sense of languishing.

For the last 6 weeks I’ve felt like my metaphorical rocket fuel had detached from my space shuttle and I’ve been gliding through space. I’ve forced myself to relax into this state of being, rather than fight it and ‘push through’.

The lead up to the drop

Home-schooling ended half way through March. I felt empty. I’d poured myself out and had nothing left. It was a relief to be working full days again without distractions, but the kids struggled to adjust.

Then it was the Easter holidays and I booked a full week off. I had a cold at the beginning of the week and spent a couple of days in bed. On Wednesday we went to the beach for the day to meet my parents. I realised on the way home that I hadn’t been mentally present at all, and hadn’t even paddled in the sea, which I love doing. I knew something wasn’t right.

That evening I felt my mood plummeting. I felt low and heavy and disengaged and tearful, and there was an underlying anger too. I felt trapped. I wanted to retreat from the world. I spent another day or two ‘resting’. I didn’t want to lie in bed but I did want the oblivion of sleep. I was scared of having depression again — especially now I have my kids to look after. After a couple of days of doing very little, I was able to ‘carry on’.

The fundamental problem was (is) that I was seriously fatigued, perhaps burnt out, and I needed recovery time from the intensity of the previous few months.

Being burnt out as a parent

Finding ways to recover when you’re juggling work and being a parent is challenging. Annual leave is precious, and already in short supply for covering school holidays. So taking a week off while the kids are at school is not an option.

As a parent, when you’re fatigued it takes considerable extra resource to exercise patience and understanding when faced with emotional children who cry and scream and shout a lot(!). Especially when all I want to do is cry and scream and shout! Sometimes I do lose it and then I have to apologise!

Having extra time with the kids over the last year has been a wonderful gift. But I’ve also really struggled with all the extra demands and noise. And then there’s the associated guilt and shame about feeling that way. And the brain energy that’s expended contradicting the shame and guilt.

What I’m doing that helps

I’d love to take a couple of months off and stay in some cosy hut in the Alps somewhere by myself. But I don’t think that’s a feasible option right now, so I’ve had to find small ways to manage the day to day and slowly fill the mental and physical tank up again. These are some of the things that have helped keep depression at bay:

1. Asking my husband for even more support — like asking him to deal with the kids’ bedtime or sort out the dinners. I don’t find this easy, and I struggle with the guilt, but I have to keep telling myself I’m not well and it’s what I need to get better.
2. Exercising the way I can right now — my exercise routine was put on hold by home-schooling, and I’ve struggled to get back into it. I felt guilty for a while, but then I decided that what I could manage were some walks— maybe just 2 a week, but that’s something.
3. Having a few early nights each week.
4. Holding back a bit at work — which for me means just doing the things I need to and not going ‘above and beyond’ for now
5. Planting things in the garden — I’m doing the easiest and most quickly satisfying thing for me, which is buying plants from a garden centre (rather than growing from seed)
6. Meeting with friends for drinks and laughing a lot — I’ve only managed this once, but it really helped.
7. Wandering around the garden taking photos of plants and insects.
8. Finding an therapist for the medium-long-term.
9. Planning a weekend away by myself, to have sleep, rest and solitude (wahey!).
10. Listening to my ‘safe harbour’ playlist — I’m loved, I won’t be lost, and everything’s going to be OK. I’m also enjoy listening to Joni Mitchell and the Breath.

Things that help in the workplace

Things that help to de-stigmatise mental illness and help people like me feel supported:

1. People talking about mental health — at all grades and in all teams.
2. People being willing to be honest and show vulnerability where they can — this isn’t easy or straightforward but it can help for people to share a little of their own journey with friends or trusted colleagues (or wider!)
3. Mutual support. We have a mental health network on our messaging platform, Slack, where people can share challenges (anonymously or not) and support each other. There’s also a monthly mental health newsletter in which colleagues share stories and things that help their mental health. We also have a parents network which is equally supportive.
4. Mental health support. We have an amazing team of mental health first aiders who provide a listening ear and signposting to further support.
5. Line manager support. My line manager is fantastic at listening, encouraging and supporting me in the workplace. We don’t need to talk in detail about my mental health, but I can be open with her when I’m feeling a bit rubbish or struggling with motivation. She is awesome — thanks Roz.
6. Being given the freedom, trust and autonomy to plan, control and manage my own workload.
7. The option to go into the office for wellbeing reasons. I’ve been in twice now, and am planning to do it once a week going forward. It’s helping me feel more like myself, energises me, motivates me, inspires me.

This season will pass

I know this is a season, a temporary thing, and it will pass. I’ll get back down to earth and find my buzz and energy again at some point. So I’m riding it out, and taking each day at a time.

And the good news is I can find moments of joy.

The thing that keeps me going the most (other than my family and nature) are the positive, kind, compassionate, professional, hard-working, smart people I work with every day. They are an inspiration!

And to end here’s a cool Joni Mitchell song :-)

Free man in Paris by Joni Mitchell